Sembreak

I have had a number of blogs before but it ended after a few posts – probably because I was lazy or was uninspired to continue. It could also be because I was too motivated with life to even bother writing. I would start writing whenever I feel down. And now is no different.

I have been stopping myself from breaking down on Facebook. It was nobody’s problem, although I believed some people should be accountable for what I’m feeling. I have been in a rollercoaster since I was in high school. After years of living with these emotions, I still get tired. It’s hard for me to reason out with myself. These emotions are real. I can’t deny. But it’s also wrong to project it on people. Eotteoke?

And so I said, I have not been feeling fine all the time. I was and then I stopped taking Jovia. It was great a feeling to know that these things I have been feeling – which “normal” people will find hard to understand – is due to chemical imbalances in my brain. It might be genetic, I’m not sure. It may also be because I have never been open to people anymore, after a series of disappointments. I shared, I was judged. I loved, I got hurt. I dreamed, I was let down by reality.

Today, as I enjoy the trimestral break, I have been walking around BGC. It’s not my feet that gets tired. It’s what’s inside my mind. I can’t seem to retire from all these thoughts of self-doubt, of not being caring enough to people’s standards, of not being sociable or understanding or even just being not too “serious” – whatever that means.

I’ll see. I’m thirty and I have years ahead. Might be the same rough road, but I might get better at this, even a bit better.