Resigned
I drafted my resignation letter today... and spoke to my manager about it. At that time, I felt it was right - right for me and right for the team.
I resigned because I feel ashamed of how I have been faring at work. I have not been that inspiring leader to my teammates. The one I hoped for when I was in college. I have not been able to help out in the CI Working Group the way I originally planned. And there are a hundred emails and I've never even seen who they are from. It's chaotic. And I am not good with chaos.
I am at my low lows again. I have kept quiet these past days, hoping no one will notice. Although I have been thinking if keeping mum about how I feel would even help suppress the unhealthy thoughts in my head. It doesn't. It never did for years. I just learn that later it will pass. I will be back. Loud, perky. Until the next wave.
My manager knew about my mental health just today. It's hard for me to explain to people about my condition because I never want them to treat me differently. I just want them to understand. And maybe I wanted a family among those near me. Coz everyone wanted to avoid the toxic person in the room. Who wants to deal with all the negative energy, anyway?
But she lifted me somehow. She laid down plans for the team that will help me somehow. How can I even have thought of it? I never really wanted to resign. No other employer will be crazy to add me to their team if they knew.
I thought, has life already decided that those with mental health issues will never succeed? It seems so. Only the positive, the loud, the sociable, the confident will make it. It never really mattered whether you had the brains for it. What's more important is that you're positively influential.
I'm tired. Please don't tell me to stop overthinking (I am not). Or see the positive side in things (I have been trying ever since). If you never been in our situation, you'll never understand. *big sigh*
I resigned because I feel ashamed of how I have been faring at work. I have not been that inspiring leader to my teammates. The one I hoped for when I was in college. I have not been able to help out in the CI Working Group the way I originally planned. And there are a hundred emails and I've never even seen who they are from. It's chaotic. And I am not good with chaos.
I am at my low lows again. I have kept quiet these past days, hoping no one will notice. Although I have been thinking if keeping mum about how I feel would even help suppress the unhealthy thoughts in my head. It doesn't. It never did for years. I just learn that later it will pass. I will be back. Loud, perky. Until the next wave.
My manager knew about my mental health just today. It's hard for me to explain to people about my condition because I never want them to treat me differently. I just want them to understand. And maybe I wanted a family among those near me. Coz everyone wanted to avoid the toxic person in the room. Who wants to deal with all the negative energy, anyway?
But she lifted me somehow. She laid down plans for the team that will help me somehow. How can I even have thought of it? I never really wanted to resign. No other employer will be crazy to add me to their team if they knew.
I thought, has life already decided that those with mental health issues will never succeed? It seems so. Only the positive, the loud, the sociable, the confident will make it. It never really mattered whether you had the brains for it. What's more important is that you're positively influential.
I'm tired. Please don't tell me to stop overthinking (I am not). Or see the positive side in things (I have been trying ever since). If you never been in our situation, you'll never understand. *big sigh*
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